I hate everything today, this room, these people, the fuckers and the non fuckers. I shall soon leave this place. It’s all nice but toxic. Toxic in a way you can’t see, believe or imagine. Be oblivious and they will fool you. Ignore it and you will miss it. It may make no sense but it’s true. For me at least it’s true. It’s hard to describe what makes this place suck. It’s all pink above but black beneath. Don’t get me wrong it’s a nice bunch of people but something doesn’t stick. I have this feeling that they are all a bunch of selfish pigs, trapped in themselves and their little ego-bubbles. They don’t move outside of them.
I know that I am no different. Everyone is a bit of a selfish prick. I am one, I don’t deny it, but I least I am aware of it. I think that I am the only one in here who knows that. Everyone else walks like a fucking dick, a happy bubble. If you close your eyes you will see it. Little bubbles walking, talking, laughing, and making jokes being all nice and happy. But none of them collides. None of them really touches the other, connects or mixes.
Oh fuck it; maybe all these are not important. Maybe this is the way things are. You only get to see through people once in a while. You only get to know the real, naked self of just a couple of people in your life. If I think about it, I shouldn’t be bothered. I really don’t understand why this bothers me that much. If I think about it some of them are quite nice and funny. But I can’t let go of all the others. They are so fucking fake. I don’t really like this word, fake, it’s not the right one. They pretend, yes they pretend. That’s it. And they think that you are like them. They assume based on their own stupid self. I can see it and I hate it. I fucking hate it.
Fuckers and non fuckers. I can live with the non fuckers. I appreciate the fact that they are more like me and less like the others. The fuckers I don’t want around. They make this place stink. The non fuckers I need to know, to be around. This is my goal. Maybe they will make me more tolerant, more accepting and happier. No not happier. Happiness is a big word. More laid back, more relaxed and calm. I need to be relaxed and calm. I need to if I want to stay here. And I do, deep down I do. At least for now.